Última hora: problemas na América!

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Ao aperceber-se disto, Sua Alteza Real Elizabete II declarou o seguinte:

To the citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.

2. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A
permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All manufacturing of American cars will be phased out over the next 18 months. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When you see the German and Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the use of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand our British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will immediately adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) roughly $6.00/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, real chips are thick cut,
deep fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with catsup. Those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called 'crisps.'

11. The cold tasteless drink you insist on calling beer is not beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer. European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South
African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them?

12. Hollywood will now occasionally be required to cast English actors as good guys. They will also be required
to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell's attempt at English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will immediately cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football, and the name
for it is 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every thirty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will also stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only about 10% of you are aware that there is a whole world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00 PM with proper cups (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes, strawberries in season.


God Save the Queen,

John Cleese